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She was your best friend and together, over the years, the both of you have shared many secrets, smiles, and wiped each other tears. But the heavens have taken her away now and your soul is reaching out to the man she was married to. If you are considering dating your friend’s widower then thoughts of right, wrong and morality are bound to crop up. While you won’t be wronging your friend but, at the same time, it will do you good to know the pros and cons of going ahead.
The man has experienced a loved one’s passing away. He now knows that time won’t stand still and things will change. If he is dating you, you are special to him. He won’t ever want to lose another loved one so he’s going to put sincere efforts on making this work and won’t take you for granted. You will find a man who is taking out time from his schedule just to be with you, doing every bit to make you smile.
Life is never a bed of roses and hence yours too might face some squabbles and difference of opinion. Post 50 or senior age, both of you have seen enough of the world to have minds of your own. But a person facing a recent loss isn’t usually the one holding grudges. Even in arguments he’s expected to reconcile and remain positive for a new and happy future with you. He would not allow the past to rule the future.
Don’t go by what your best friend might have told you while she was alive. Even if he was the more dominant of the two and lived by rules, expect more understanding and practicality. Loss of a loved one is bound to push in realization on the bond being more important than supremacy. He most definitely will have an endearing relationship with you and come across as a caring and patient partner.
When one sees death, one appreciates life even more. The man is getting back up once again and looking forward to what lies in store. Thus, he’s going to be full of renewed love for life. Together the both of you can have wonderful memories vacationing, going skinny dipping on nudist beaches, enjoying couple massages, or even discovering new restaurants in your city.
As you step in at the moment of grief and help him overcome the sad, lonely part of the loss, you can be rest assured he will be full of gratitude to not look elsewhere. You will ease into the vacuum of his life and he will go the extra mile to shower you with love. This could be gifts, quality time and looking after your desires. Embracing life, he will live with you like today is all both of you have.
He might have stopped grieving as time has passed. Yet, when he starts to date he might feel guilty and have a feeling of being unfaithful to his ex wife. The fact that you were her best friend might make this baggage of guilt even more profound for him. While there’s little control you have in such a situation, as a concerned friend you may feel he’s ungrateful and be angered. Our advise is to slow down and give it time. Assess the situation at hand and take a mature decision in the interest of you both.
Men are used to women being at home and thus the chores get done in time. They sometimes are dependent on the women and sometimes don’t notice the effort. The loss of the one who kept everything in order makes it all awry and he could be desperately looking for a woman to bring back the order. Without much family, he may look to his wife’s best friend for help. So as you start dating be aware of the reasons there could be. In the future, are you open to helping him with chores apart from just dating. Are you the one looking to set order back in his life. Think it over and may be discuss at an opportune moment on how he’s doing with the house work?
Remember timing is everything. Too early could be a put off and later he may not want to be in a relationship involving love, sex, and fun. Maybe all he wants is a pair of ears and a shoulder to lean on. Unless the both of you are dating, you will find being empathetic towards him isn’t tough. Having known each other through your friend and having lots to talk about should help as you support each other. However as you recover and start seeing each other, it’s natural for you to want him to come out of the grief and spend happy times together. If you find him constantly whining, you have the option of politely bowing out.
He is not alone in this world. He may have kids from his first wife, he has his family, and he has his wife’s family. Even if all is well between the both of you, you might realize that the rest of his family isn’t quite welcoming of you. There is not much that you can do about this except to give it time, effort and continue to show affection and care. You will not be able to push through so keep faith and hold on.
He has lost one; and now he does not want to lose you. This thought in his mind might turn him into a man who wants to cling to you and be quite possessive. There’s a possibility of him calling you often, checking on your well being even while he knows you are with friends. You might want your ‘me time’ and though the intentions are all good, you might feel mentally imprisoned. Such instances have the potential of leading to rude exchanges. It would be prudent to continue to explain the situation and constantly reassure to put him at ease of not being left behind. With time, the situation should keep improving.
Maybe he is dating you because you remind him of his wife. This is not only because the two of you were best friends, but with company we tend to pickup others ways like, talking, behavior etc. Men, often subconsciously, look for traits similar to the leading woman in their lives. During their youth it’s their mother and now it will be his wife. Such a situation develops skirmishes owing to mismatched expectations. Not only will you need to judge the situation by catching hints such as discussion references on common traits between you and his wife, but also reinforce the distinct aspects consistently. Again take time in getting comfortable with each other.
Dating your best friend’s widower will not be easy. But if you can fill their lives with care, love, and assurances then you can have a potential lifelong relationship to look forward to.